For about the last week, Luna and I have been sick with some kind of virus. A summer cold. We spent our entire Fourth of July cuddling in bed watching movies.
It’s been a bit miserable.
And a bit funny because I sound like a dying frog.
And also a bit sweet when Luna very kindly pats my back when I cough or tells me, “It’s OK, you don’t have to sing. You can just lay here and snuggle me.” when I can’t sing her a lullaby at bedtime (due to the hacking cough I’ve developed).
Summer colds always make me think of the time when I had the worst cold I’ve ever had. I was 18 years old, working at a department store at the time. I had never called in sick before, but I had a fever of 102°F (39°C), and I could hardly stand. So I called in.
Instead of going in for my 8 hour shift that day, I stayed on the couch, in and out of a medicated sleep, cold in the dead of summer. And in our house, summer was miserably hot because my mother insisted on keeping the house no cooler than 82°F (28°C). Usually it stayed at 84°F (29°C).
Yet I was cold for most of that day, bundled up on a plush, microfiber couch.
When I finally arose from my stupor, I found that I was miserably hot. Sweating like crazy and dying to shed some layers.
But what was worse was that I couldn’t open my eyes.
They were glued shut with a horrible, dried, encrusted layer of eye boogers that had evidently oozed out while I laid there in my summer sickness.
I don’t think I will ever forget that experience.
This time around, there were no eye-encrusting secretions for me (or Luna), thank the gods.
However, I was not able to call in sick. Well I suppose I could have called in. But I did not feel that I could.
Usually, my guiding principle in taking time off is this: what would they do if you were hit by a bus? The answer is a bit heartless but simple, and more importantly, very, very true:
They would move on. They would make do without you.
Life goes on!
Business definitely goes on.
Case in point. One of my colleagues got in a very bad vehicle accident about 2 weeks ago. His wife called our supervisor and informed him that my colleague was unconscious after a bad accident. He woke up from his coma a few days later, and he was badly injured. My supervisor is a good human being, so he was deeply concerned for my colleague’s well being.
My supervisor is also very good at his job and realized that the team cannot function with a large gap in it. My injured colleague has not been let go, but someone will be found to fill the gap. Even if he never returns to his post, the work will still get done, and the business will go on without him.
So why did I not take the time I needed to rest this week? Taking care of myself would have meant getting better sooner, being more productive while I worked, and contribute more to the team in the long run since I’ll be less likely to burn out.
Here were my reasons:
- I am still fairly new to this job, and I don’t want to take time off yet.
- I work for a high profile individual who is travelling overseas with their family, and I have all the details. I needed to stay on top of the necessary tasks that would ensure smooth travel.
- I have had projects that have fallen to the wayside as I take on other tasks. I didn’t want to get further behind.
- If I don’t put in the hours, I don’t get paid.
These are all excuses that can be knocked down with some pretty quick and easy rationalizations, all leading to the conclusion that I need to take care of myself adequately.
And getting ill to the point of being dizzy upon standing, practically bedridden, and coughing so hard that you barf up anything you’ve managed to eat or drink sort of makes you pause and consider your mortality.
But let me tell you something.
Being a single mother is scary. Providing for our little family afloat rests solely on my shoulders. (And before you even think of mentioning it, Dmitry has stopped paying child support.)
I have a lot of support from my parents right now, but that doesn’t mean that if I lost my job, a lot of scary things wouldn’t happen. We have medical expenses, insurance policies, utilities, and basic necessities. Jeopardizing my job is not an option.
The pressure has always been on because Dmitry could never hold a job. The longest he had a job while we were together was about a year. And I’m not talking about job hopping intentionally; I’m talking about getting fired and having a gap in employment. So as the steady one, even though I made less in my positions, I felt a lot more pressure to keep our family stable financially since I never knew when he would lose his job.
But this pressure is a little different. It feels like everything is riding on me, and I have to prove myself. And not just in my new role at my new job, but I feel like I have to prove myself as a single mother.
I chose this. I walked away from Luna’s dad, and this is the result. Yes, my reasons were that it was not a partnership but a toxic downward spiral of negativity, and I had to protect the children from that environment. But still, this is the natural consequence of that decision, and I have to be OK for Luna and me. Life has to be better than OK on this side of the toxic relationship, or what was the point in leaving?
So yes, I chose to put the job before myself this time.
Will I next time? I hope not. I hope next time I am in a mindset that will allow me to put myself first and heal. Reflecting on how I responded this time and the way I would like to be able to respond next time will help, I hope.
But this time, I took care of what I needed to take care of so I could take care of my family. And it’s more than a little sad that in today’s world, we still don’t have any kind of real work-life balance. It’s sad that it’s expected for us to slave away at our jobs in order to “be successful.” I’m not condoning it, and I’m not saying I want to do this forever.
What I am saying is that for now, I sound like a frog that’s been smoking for the last 40 years, I am recovering slowly, and I am building stability for myself and my little one.
**READ ME (please)**
Two things!
One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)
Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.
Talk soon!
– Lynda –
Living Between 