The Rocky Road to Music

Ahhhhhh the dreaded topic of music.

Music and I have never really been friends. When I was growing up, the only songs I heard until middle school were all Christian songs and classical music. Until I was about 8, the only songs I’d ever heard were the songs they sang at church. I heard a song on the radio for the first time in 5th grade, and it was a Christian radio station. Between ages 8 and 11, I heard songs from Christian artist CDs that my mom and older sister would buy.

(For those of you who are unaware, CDs are compact discs. They look like DVDs and Blu-ray disks except they only have music.)

When I was in 5th grade, the class had an assignment where each student was asked to complete a form that had all kinds of get-to-know-you type questions. We partnered up, learned about our partners, then presented each other’s likes, dislikes, and personality traits to the class.

One of the questions was, “What are your favorite songs?”

I distinctly remember my answers:

Big House and Mighty Good Leader by Audio Adrenaline.

My partner had never heard of these songs and stared at me like I had three heads growing out of my neck when she first read my answer. And she could not stop giggling when she got to that part of the presentation.

I had no idea that music was such a huge part of our culture. I had no idea there were so many songs that everyone else knew but I had never heard of. Artists with strange names like The Pussycat Dolls and Blink 182. Not that Audio Adrenaline was any less strange, but I was used to that name.

And I had no idea that listening to songs no one had ever heard of could lead to such ridicule.

From then on, having an opinion about music is something I avoided. I also avoided listening to music unless someone recommended it or wanted to listen to music with me. I still didn’t listen to anything on the radio besides Christian radio when my mom put it on in the car. Whatever I listened to, I just said I liked it, even if I didn’t.

And I never offered any answer when someone asked me what kind of songs I like.

This has gone on since that day in school.

I had a boyfriend, we’ll call him Brock. He LOVED Eminem. I can’t even express how much he loved Eminem. I assume he still does, though I can’t be sure.

In any case, when we hung out or drove around, we listened to Eminem. I had no alternative suggestions, so I just went with it. I certainly didn’t ask him to turn it off.

But I hated it.

At the time, the songs made me uncomfortable, though I’m not entirely sure why. I think some of the lyrics made me uncomfortable, and I wasn’t capable of exploring my emotions at the time.

In any case, I really didn’t enjoy it. But I listened to it with him anyway. Because it made him happy, and I had no alternatives to offer anyway.

My ex fiancé, Julian, also loved Eminem. Ugh.

But he loved rock music more. Specifically Skillet, Bullet for My Valentine, Avenged Sevenfold, Slipknot, and Metallica. And once again, I had no alternatives to offer, so I went with it, even though every Slipknot song sounds the same. And BFMV makes all their songs from the perspective of angsty teenage soap opera mobsters. And Skillet is, well, Skillet.

For the most part, I didn’t mind. I found that I enjoyed rock music; the speed, the volume, the unnecessarily dramatic and angry lyrics. It was a great change of pace from Christian music and Eminem.

At this point, you may be wondering if my experience with music was really limited to Christian music and Eminem. No, not entirely. I also knew Christmas carols and songs from musicals and movie scores. But I don’t think those really count. I’d heard other songs in passing, but I didn’t know who sang them, didn’t know the genres, didn’t know the lyrics.

And, you might ask, with access to the internet, why on Earth did I not seek out music myself? It never occurred to me. Finding music I identified with or truly loved or that spoke to my soul was not a concept I had. Music was just a thing that existed that other people obsessed over and judged you for.

I wasn’t interested.

Julian had more than enough interest in it for the both of us. He was passionate about music. I’d imagine he still is. He played guitar all the time. He was part of a local band with his friends, and her played with the church band.

Oh yeah, did I mention he played lead guitar for the band at the church I attended at the time? Yeahhhhhh. So I heard a lot of praise and worship songs over and over and over and over while he practiced. To this day, I can’t hear Oceans by Hillsong without wanting to cover my ears and say, “LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEARRRR YOUUUUUUU!!!!!”

But then it gets stuck in my head and then I’m TRAPPED with it for DAYS!!!! $#!@*

Anyway, I digress. Julian played music to destress and just because he liked learning how to play his favorite songs. I thought it was wonderful how much he loved his music.

Until the music started to consume him, and he put before me.

Which I suppose I should have expected. But I didn’t, and it hurt. Gradually, the music I’d learned to enjoy with him soured. He would practice them for his band, learn the techniques that Sinister Gates uses, dive headfirst into any new song or album that came out, and obsessively focus on improving his music skill through emulating his favorite bands.

For a long time, that music was a trigger for me. Including Avenged Sevenfold.

I’ve avoided diving into the topic of music up until this point because (obviously) it is a very sensitive topic for me. But I have a really fantastic friend, Orion, who loves Avenged Sevenfold. And for those of you who are fans of this band, you know they’ve just come out with a new album called Life is But a Dream.

When they released Nobody a few months ago, Orion wanted to listen to it with me, and I obliged. I found that I really enjoyed it, and I listened to their music again when I drove to my dad’s mom’s funeral in March (it was a solid 8 hour drive, so I was able to listen to all their albums). I found that their music was better than I remembered it, and I had healed enough from my relationship with Julian that I didn’t feel upset listening to their music anymore.

I still meet music with some resistance and apprehension, though. It’s a difficult thing to overcome years of having a shaky relationship with music. But when Life is But a Dream came out, Orion raved about it and really wanted me to listen to it. So after much procrastination, I finally listened to it this weekend.

And guess what?

I really, really freaking loved it.

I took notes on each song and the thoughts I had when listening to them. I wanted to be able to have a real discussion about the songs. I also wanted to take the opportunity to allow myself to form an opinion on each song, exploring the way the lyrics spoke to me and the way the music moved me — or didn’t.

And I want to share these thoughts, but this post is already woefully long, and I’m not here to write a novel. So I will explore my thoughts around Life is But a Dream in a supplemental post and link it here when it’s ready. (Psst! It’s ready –> Life is But a Dream – A7X)

This is the start of me forming my own musical identity. I can already tell you that I am fairly agnostic in that I know I love electronica and Avenged Sevenfold. If that’s not a random pairing, I don’t know what is.

Being able to confidently say that without fearing ridicule or doubting whether that is truly what I like or just the music I listen to since the person I am in constant proximity to listens to that feels really, really good. (I know it isn’t the latter because I’ve listened to a fair amount of what Orion listens to, and I find much of it disagreeable.)

So the next time someone asks me what kind of music I listen to, instead of giving them a deer-in-headlights stare, I can say I like electronica and Avenged Sevenfold.

Progress.

**READ ME (please)**
Two things!

One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)

Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.

Talk soon!
– Lynda –