Have you ever been on a date that you didn’t know was a date until after the date was over when the person with whom you were on the date reveals that you were, in fact, on a date?
Yeah that happened to me recently.
An insurance agent in my area, Tex, reached out to me on LinkedIn requesting a virtual coffee chat. I always feel for the people who are required to do a certain number constant, tedious “coffee chats” that don’t really go anywhere. But they’re typically required to book a certain number of them, so I like to help them out.
Coffee chat was fine, albeit slightly different from what I anticipated. We discussed our respective careers and roles, but we also talked about our families. I figured it must be a new style of sales training where they tell you to make a personal connection with your prospect.
At the time, I was feeling very disconnected from the world around me, and I had asked the Universe for more opportunities to build connections, expand my community. So when he asked to meet up for a networking lunch at the end of the virtual coffee chat, I accepted.
I figured, the Universe is responding. If I turn down the opportunities it presents to me, it will see that I am not ready to receive and stop sending me the desired opportunities.
And so, as someone who naturally has social anxiety, although the prospect made me nervous, I reasoned with myself that it was a harmless lunch. He would likely do a soft pitch of his services, ask me to keep him in mind and to reach out to him if I need anything since he has a vast network of professionals, and that would be it.
A baby step towards building the community I had asked the Universe for.
So a couple weeks go by, and it was the day before we’d planned to meet up for lunch. I was so anxious thinking about having a face-to-face discussion with a virtual stranger for an hour. The awkward lulls in conversation, and the dreaded questions that I’ve mentioned before that I don’t know how to answer.
I coached myself that if any such question is asked, then to just pick one thing that I like and say that. Instead of my usual, “I don’t know because of my awful past” ramblings.
Poor Orion had to put up with me trying on a million outfits and sending him pictures asking what he thought of each one while I figured out what was appropriate for a “casual but professional networking lunch”! I didn’t want to send the wrong message with my outfit, you see.
According to Orion, the first was too casual, but the rest were perfectly fine.
According to me, the first one was meh. The second one had too many buttons. The third one was just hideous.
And so on and so forth.
Think The Grinch that Stole Christmas when the Grinch is trying on clothes. I had a real moment where I wanted to come up with an excuse not to go because I had “nothing to wear.”
The following morning, I was freaking out a little less, enough to put together a nice business casual outfit (amazing how simple things are when you aren’t overly anxious!).
My anxieties were (mostly) unfounded. Lunch was just fine, and I not only survived, but I enjoyed myself. Once again, the conversation was not what I expected. It revolved more around who we are than what we do for a living. I thought it a little odd, but again, I figured that it was new sales tactic that taught people to “build relationships” before trying to sell anyone anything. So I brushed it off and went with it.
One of the things I learned about Tex is that he really, really likes the state of Texas. He’s the first person I’ve encountered with that particular affinity. Hence the nickname.
At the end of lunch, Tex and I walked out to the parking lot, and he #humblebragged about his new truck. I will admit that although Dmitry has left a sour taste in my mouth for truck owners, I found myself a little impressed. But what really surprised me was that while I was expecting another handshake when we parted, what I got instead was a small, friendly hug.
Unexpected. But he’s Southern, so it’s not very strange. Besides, I asked Orion and my other BFF, Tessa, if that’s a thing, and they both said it’s perfectly normal.
Well.
Let me tell you what happened next.
A couple of days later, I get a message from him on LinkedIn. It was random, something about having dreamt that he was running away from something, and I was driving the taxi that got him away. Harmless and mildly entertaining. So we chat on LinkedIn until he gives me his number, and I start texting him.
And boy howdy did he switch it up. He suddenly came on super strong, saying he wished I was in bed with him. Which was a big difference from the polite conversation we’d been having.
I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised in retrospect, what with the deviations in expected conversation and how he suddenly struck up conversation with me. But I am always so surprised when anyone shows any interest in me, and I really just chalked it up to me being utterly out of touch with how networking and socializing works nowadays.
So anyway, I was about to send a, “you tried, you failed, go away” message, when suddenly I decided I didn’t want to. Instead, I wanted to run a little experiment.
This was my first encounter with a man who was a complete stranger straight up asking for… intimate relations, to put it delicately. And rather than dismiss him immediately, I had a couple of questions I wanted to answer.
- Am I available for casual sex? Why or why not?
- Am I able to set and maintain clear boundaries?
In line with question 2, I put boundaries in place so that I could explore question 1. And oh my was it an experience.
He was not particularly respectful of my boundaries; I got unsolicited pictures (my sister Ronnie’s favorite was the “ball teaser.” Mine was the one where his member was scribbled out.), he steered the conversation to sex constantly, and even after acknowledging a boundary I’d put in place, it was like he had no new information to operate on. It was like he only remembered when it was convenient or when he couldn’t ignore it.
For instance, I expressed that I have a lot going on in my life between a custody case, trauma I’m working through, and navigating single motherhood. In light of that, my capacity for romantic endeavors is limited, and while I would like to be friends, I don’t want anything more. At first he said he understood. Later, he continued with his normal antics of trying to get me in bed with him. When I pointed out the incongruity, his excuse was that he was so smitten with me that he got carried away.
I’m paraphrasing, of course; no one actually says smitten but me.
But you get the idea. Although to his credit, after I called him out on that, he was a little less aggressive and slightly more conscientious. By that, I mean that he would backpedal and acknowledge that I don’t see him in a sexual way and don’t want what he’s offering. So hey, that’s… something. Better than barreling forward completely unfettered. It did show an ability for self-reflection and course correction.
I set little traps for him to see how he would respond. Sometimes, he would rise to the occasion.
For instance, during one conversation, I shared with him that I identify as demisexual and that I need to have a connection with someone before I find them sexually attractive. He seemed to have a genuine response to that in the moment, asking me more about it and concluding that he really liked the sound of that. When I asked him why, he said because it sounds like the sex becomes very intimate.
It was the first glimpse of a real person under all the overly masculine energy.
Other traps I set were completely and totally missed. One morning, I was up earlier than usual, and I messaged him asking if he was awake. He was.
I told him that I was having trouble sleeping, that I had a lot on my mind. Which wasn’t actually true, I just had too much caffeine the day before. But he completely glided over that and dove right into his favorite topic: sex.
I took a mental note – Tex could not care less about what’s on my mind. Got it.
One really significant thing I gained from this experiment was that I learned a lot more about myself and my sexuality. As it turns out, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone, I can have a conversation about sex and my preferences in bed without feeling much more than I’d feel naming my favorite book or chatting about a food dish I like.
Without getting explicit, we’d discuss very specific acts that I enjoy, and it was truly like expressing that I enjoy yoga. There was no point where I got turned on. I was just having a conversation with a stranger about sex.
Which was surprising and strange. But good information to have. When else would I have had the opportunity to openly discuss such things in a similar circumstance? Probably never given that I have never discussed those things with anyone I had not already been intimate with before this point.
You may be wondering how long this experiment lasted. It lasted exactly 3 and a half days. The following Tuesday, I suggested that we go out to lunch again since I owed him lunch from the first one. He countered with the proposal that he would make lunch for me, I have sex with him, and we call it even.
I don’t think I was so much offended as annoyed, but in any case, I decided I’d had enough, and when he asked me if I’d like him to leave me alone, the short answer was yes. He respected that boundary.
Until a week later when he messaged me on the worst possible day that he could have, given I was in the middle of a family crisis and not in the mood to talk to anyone, let alone him. It went something like this:
7:45 AM Tex: Hey
8:05 AM Me: ?
10:56 AM Tex: Just saying hi. No biggie.
9:14 PM Tex: OK
But since then, he’s respected that I don’t want to hear from him. Good on ya, Tex.
So then what were the results of this experiment?
- The answer is no, I am not interested in casual sex. And why? Because I identify as demisexual, and I can’t have sex with someone I’m not sexually attracted to. Which means I can’t have sex with someone I don’t have at least some connection with, ergo casual sex with a stranger is a no go. Sorry not sorry San Francisco bachelors looking for a one night stand. Move along.
- I’m not entirely sure on this one, but I think it was a decent practice run. Setting and maintaining boundaries is hard. And this was a tricky situation because if I came down too hard on him, the experiment might have been over prematurely. So I had a little more leniency, allowing him to cross boundaries at times while quietly observing and taking notice of my responses.
In the end, I didn’t compromise my boundaries for the sake of keeping him in my life. It wasn’t a true test since I had nothing invested, no personal stakes in this. He could walk out of my life, and it wouldn’t have affected me. Which is exactly what happened. So like I said, a decent practice run, but since there weren’t really any stakes, it’s hard to say whether this was truly a success or not.
My sisters and Tessa have asked me if I’ll ever talk to him again. I’m not sure. If I have other questions that come up, I might conduct another experiment. But even if I did have another question, I doubt he’d want to talk to me after all the times I rejected his advances. He doesn’t seem easily deterred, but everyone has their limits.
One final though with all of this is that the exercise of allowing the conversation to unfold and then quietly observing both his and my responses was worthwhile. It was simultaneously interesting and enlightening, and I feel that I learned a lot from this experience as a whole. I don’t think I’d do it again, since I got the answers to my questions this go round. But I am glad I allowed myself this chance to explore.
**READ ME (please)**
Two things!
One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)
Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.
Talk soon!
– Lynda –
Living Between 