The Best Defense

You know how some kids see ninjas and martial arts masters on TV, and they think it looks so awesome, and they want to learn how to do that too?

Yeah I was one of those kids. Well, I was as a teenager anyway. Even though my older sister, Elyssa, worked her way up to a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, I never had any interest in martial arts as a younger child.

I had no time for that when I was a teen though. I was laser focused on academics. Until the second semester of my senior year of high school when I became laser focused on my boyfriend.

Julian and I started dating in December of our senior year, mere days after his 18th birthday. And you know how puppy love is; we were obsessed with each other. I was on my phone all day texting him. I spent all my evenings and weekends with him, as often as I had the time.

School still came first, but Julian definitely came second, third, fourth, and fifth. There was no time for anything else, and my interest in martial arts waned.

However, it didn’t go away so much so that I forgot about it. My freshman year of college, I found a martial arts studio and took a couple private lessons. I found that I lacked the funds, though, and did not pursue it then.

A year later, after Julian became physically abusive and I broke up with him, I went to a few Kuk Sool Won classes with Tessa. Her little sister’s dad had a studio, and he let me try a few lessons before committing to the class. However, I found it a little too intense for me. Maybe it was my horrible self esteem, maybe it was the trauma of physical violence at home. Whatever it was, I didn’t do more than a couple lessons, and I forgot everything I learned.

Fast forward to earlier this year after Dmitry attacked me while I had Luna in my arms. Even after years of physical fights with him, I had never thought to try learning martial arts (though I did briefly try to learn Qigong. I abandoned it quickly when I realized I’d never have his support in learning).

But as soon as he attacked me with Luna in my arms, I felt so hopeless, so helpless. I decided I needed to learn so I could defend my daughter and myself to keep us safe from violent people like him.

Matt, my forever bonus son, has been learning Judo, and I am glad of that. I hope he keeps up with it and learns how to defend himself. Learning from his example, I decided it was time for me to take action on learning how to defend myself as well. I would make it a daily, integral practice for myself and thereby teach Luna that it is an essential life skill, just like swimming or cooking or driving.

So I found a local Kenpo Karate program, and I enrolled back in May.

Why Kenpo, you may be wondering? I wanted to find something that was practical and applicable. I don’t need to know how to break bricks and planks of woods and kicking straight up in the air. I need to know how to defend myself and my daughter in a dangerous situation in real life.

Many martial arts styles that I researched are so focused on perfecting the forms and demonstrating each technique as perfectly as possible. I believe wholeheartedly that mastering the forms and techniques are conducive to practical application. But I also believe that too much emphasis on what I basically see as showing off is not in alignment with my goals.

So anything with competitions, off the list.

Kenpo appeals to me because of its emphasis on understanding the mechanics behind the techniques. It’s less about the perfect angle and physical placement of hands and feet, favoring the fundamental understanding of the most effective strikes, blocks, and movements. Kenpo teaches weapons and targets, and the instructors at my school go into Kinesthesiology, tactics, and practical responses to various scenarios.

In short, I really like it.

To start, I took 5 private lessons with the head instructor. This is how they introduce everyone to the art, teaching the basic movements to allow each student to start familiarizing themselves with them prior to joining the larger classes. I really appreciated this because without this, I would have been so lost when I joined the beginners class.

Even with the 5 private lessons, I was so unbelievably nervous to start with the group class. I was so far outside of comfort zone. Group settings are not ideal for me, and physical movement in a group setting even less so. On the afternoon leading up to my first class, I had some intense butterflies, knowing I was about to absolutely suck in front of everyone.

I was talking to my mom, trying to get my jitters out, and she said that sucking is the point of learning. You don’t go to class on the first day and take the final. You learn day by day, you grow your knowledge, and only then do you put your knowledge to the test. She told me that no one expects me to do well on day one, encouraging me to ignore my anxieties in favor of paying close attention to the lessons without worrying about being terrible at it. Being nervous is OK, but it’s better to focus that energy on being excited for the opportunity to grow in something new.

And of course, she was right. That first day in class was by no means graceful or pretty. It was downright uncomfortable, and I felt like a kid learning how to ride a bike. So wobbly and uncertain. But from that first day onward, I have realized that being uncomfortable is genuinely OK. I am uncomfortable to some degree in every single class because it’s all new, and I am constantly getting feedback on how I can tweak my technique to improve. Sometimes that feedback is internal, when I catch mistakes and course correct. Sometimes it comes from my instructors or peers.

Getting comfortable with feeling uncomfortable and allowing myself to grow into that discomfort has been an incredibly valuable lesson. If I can do it with Kenpo, I can do it with anything. I’ve begun applying this to work, relationships, everyday situations. And I love it.

That’s not the only thing I love about it. I really, really enjoy learning the techniques. Each one is like a dance. Visualize, move, memorize. Now I know that I will need to go beyond this sheer memorization very soon if I want to be able to apply the techniques in a broader, real world context. But I just love how each one is like a snippet of choreography. It feels more familiar when I frame it that way.

Though I will say that my dance background is not helpful in some regards. Feet positions and placements are so very different from ballet. In Kenpo, they tell you to have your feet at the 45 (speaking in terms of degrees). Well in ballet, that means turnout. In Kenpo, it does not, and I didn’t realize it until someone pointed out to me that my feet were wrong last month.

Oops.

Oh well, at least someone helped me correct it. It feels so unnatural though, having my feet parallel. I keep wanting to turn them out to 45° angles.

And that’s not the only thing that feels unnatural. I’m not used to the movements, so I feel awkward and unsure. Plus I don’t have the strength I need to make the movements powerful, and that makes me feel even more awkward. But I am working on building my strength and muscle memory so that it becomes second nature.

Speaking of second nature, it seems that no matter what I do, I do it with a hefty dose of wariness and mistrust. But I realized several weeks ago that that is not the case with this. One day, I was the only one who showed up to class, so I had a private lesson. Halfway through the lesson, it struck me that I was alone in the entire space with a Third Degree Black Belt, a man. And I felt no fear, no hyper vigilance anticipating an adverse action.

I wasn’t afraid of him.

He had every opportunity and what should have been a frightening level of expertise in the means to take advantage of and hurt me. But I had no worry at all that he would. It was totally about the lesson, and maybe I am foolish to be unafraid. And while it astounds me that I am able to trust my instructors like this, it feels so nice to just be able to approach something without that constant fear.

It feels like I’ve stumbled across something really good for me, even better than I had hoped.

Even the sparring, which is terrifying, pushes me to grow and heal in ways I hope no one in class can tell but me. Because not only am I absolutely terrible at understanding tactics and the application of the movements in real time, the act of sparring triggers me. Sometimes, I am on the verge of a panic attack with fists flying, legs kicking, and minor contact being made.

But so far, I have made it through 100% of the sparring sessions without having a panic attack or flashbacks. Now each and every time I hear the words “it’s sparring week” I get a sense of mild dread in my stomach. But I have made it through.

I am really freaking proud of that, even though it’s only been 2 or 3 times. And I don’t imagine that I will make it through forever. I am sure one day, something will remind me too much of something Julian or Dmitry did, and I will lose control. But I thought I’d lose control on day 1, and it hasn’t happened yet, and I’m happy about that.

And that’s not the only way I’m doing better than I expected to. Just 3 months into my studies, I advanced to an orange belt. I thought it would take me at least 6 months to get there. I think my instructor sensed my lack of confidence because he tested me while I was unaware that I was testing. I thought he and I were just reviewing for the test, which I intended to take the following week at his recommendation. I made so many mistakes, and since I thought it was just a review, I asked a lot of questions to make sure I was doing the techniques correctly.

At the end of the “review,” Sifu (that’s what we call male instructors. Simu for the women.) had me kneel and take off my belt. I must have sounded like an idiot because my response was, “wait whaa–?” as he went to get the orange belt. The ritual was sweet and somehow managed to be casual and formal simultaneously. I got kicked in the belly as part of the ritual, which was unexpected, and found out that I don’t know how to breathe properly (no surprise there).

Part of me feels like I didn’t earn that promotion. Another part of me feels proud that I was able to advance in half the time I expected to. But mostly, I just want to practice more so that I can integrate what I learn more smoothly and build that muscle memory and power. My instructors encourage me to put more force behind my movements, make it look realistic, and practice punching hard so that in a real fight, I will know what to do.

Because right now, I highly doubt I could really apply what I’ve learned in a real world scenario. I’m too timid. But I don’t want to be timid anymore. I want to be confident in myself, to trust myself that in the time when I need to act, I can and will.

One tiny little thing that may mentally hold me back a little is that I told myself I wouldn’t start dating till I achieve my purple belt. My reasoning was twofold:

1. Once I am a purple belt, I will have more confidence and be able to use my techniques on anyone who tries to hurt me.
2. I expected it to take quite some time (at least 9 months to a year) to get my purple belt, thereby giving myself plenty of time to be ready to start dating.

But I’ve already got 20% of the techniques, 100% of the form, and 30% of the new movements. At this rate, I’ll have my purple belt in the next few months, and that is way sooner than I originally thought.

I shouldn’t have tied dating to Kenpo because now it may cause me to block my progress so that I can avoid getting back into the world of dating. I may need to push that back to blue or green belt at this rate.

On the other hand, Kenpo has taught me to get comfortable with being outside of my comfort zone. Maybe this is the Universe’s way of showing me that I’m ready, similar to how Sifu saw that I was ready to be an orange belt, even though I didn’t think I was ready.

Damn. Usually I know exactly where I’m going with my blog posts. But that comparison just occurred to me right now as I was typing.

Funny how everything is a mirror, and when we take the time to reflect, we see things we never noticed before, understand more about ourselves and our situations than we ever would have.

Damn, Universe. I’m going to have to meditate on this one.

In the meantime, I will continue to forge onward with Kenpo. Its fun, it’s practical, it’s good exercise, and it helps me clear my mind. I am so glad I found it, and I’m looking forward to progressing through it, dating or no.

Maybe someday, I will be a black belt too.

**READ ME (please)**
Two things!

One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)

Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.

Talk soon!
– Lynda –