Hungover in the City of Dust

Several months ago, I wanted to try new music. But I had no idea where to start.

If you’ve read my post, The Rocky Road to Music, then you know that music and I have a bit of an odd relationship. I’ve been resistant to the idea of forming my own musical identity. Or at least a solid idea of my preferences. Thus I tend not to explore music or listen to it at all. I typically listen to a podcast or my own thoughts instead.

For a long time, I didn’t listen to anything in the car. No music, no podcasts, no audiobooks, nothing. People that I told this to found it very strange, but I enjoyed the quiet. Last July, I started listening to the Post Atomic Horror Podcast, and now I will listen to something while I drive. But sometimes I still turn it off and just keep myself company.

Anyway, tangent, sorry.

Music.

As you may or may not know, I really enjoy Avenged Sevenfold. But as much as I love blasting my thoughts into oblivion with their music, sometimes, I want a change of pace, some variety. Every now and again, my ears don’t want to be assaulted, they want to be serenaded.

Fair. I am happy to accommodate.

Except that the only other music I listen to is created by She (here’s one of my favorites), and on this particular day a few months ago, I wasn’t in the mood for electronica.

I wanted something new. OK great, I wanted to lean into this rare feeling.

But what could I listen to?

Orion (indirectly) for the win! He’d added me to his Spotify account because anytime we’d talk about music, I’d share with him that I didn’t really have an avenue for listening to music, which discouraged me from listening. When I tried the free version of Spotify with ads, he was appalled that I was forced to undergo such barbaric conditions and swooped in with a seat for me on his Spotify plan.

My hero.

Now, Spotify had a suggestion for me on that adventurous day. It offered me a playlist that it had created for me based on absolutely nothing since I didn’t listen to the type of music on this playlist. But it was trying something new, offering me a new, unexplored realm of music to see if I liked it at all.

I like how you think, Spotify.

I can’t remember what this playlist was called, nor can I figure out how to find it in my history. And you can probably guess that that means I didn’t enjoy it too much, since I haven’t listened to it since…

In any case, I listened to this playlist full of songs from a genre of music I had never listened to before – Indie Alternative. I think that’s what it’s called. And out of a couple dozen songs, only one stuck with me.

Now as I’ve been going along this journey to discover who I am, challenge who I’ve always been, and form who I will be in the future, I have generally, sometimes loosely, approached everything following one main guideline:

Give everything and everyone a fair chance.

It seems a bit silly, as this is kind of an obvious approach. But you don’t understand how much I’ve realized that my responses to concepts, ideas, activities, and people are all so baked into who I am that I don’t question it. It’s like I hear a certain sound to a song, and I’m immediately like, “Nope, not listening to that!”

Which is not fair to the song since I’ve never listened to it all the way through.

It’s very genre-ist of me. Biased against certain genres of music.

Country song? It’s dumb. Pass.

Rap song? It’s gross. Pass

Traditional Korean song? It’s annoying. Pass

Reggae? It’s…… well I’m not sure. I haven’t heard any. But pass anyway because t’s unfamiliar and different!

And if I’m painfully honest, I can say with certainty that some of this has to do with cultural bias as well. I was taught that certain types of music are associated with certain characteristics. Except traditional Korean music. That was a joke.

Warning: what I am about to say is completely terrible and horrible, and these are all biases I am aware of and am actively challenging.

• Uneducated Southern bumkins listen to country music.
• Vulgar, uneducated people listen to rap music.
• People who don’t take life seriously listen to reggae and do drugs.
• Disrespectful assholes listen to rock music.
• Violent, unstable people listen to heavy metal.
• Emotionally immature and whiny people listen to punk rock and alt rock.

Writing it all out like that makes it seriously sound so ridiculous and nonsensical. Music is art and an outlet for self expression. It doesn’t define a person.

How dumb of me to have these perceptions.

Now that I reflect on this, I am certain that this is one of the reasons why I don’t listen to music much or explore it. I am constantly judging myself through the music and my perceptions of other people.

I’m basically telling myself that if I listen to reggae, I’m joining the Don’t Take Life Seriously and Do Drugs Club.

I guess I do fall into the disrespectful asshole category since I listen to rock.

Ugh no, stop it, I can’t validate that nonsense.

ANYWAY

My point is that being very intentional with my approach to new things is tremendously helpful in combatting things like that whole rabbit hole we fell down. And so while it seems obvious to give everything and everyone a fair chance, I hold that thought in the forefront to make sure I have the right mindset going into everything I do.

And so my rule with listening to new music is that I listen to it in its entirety at least once all the way through, preferably twice, before deciding I dislike it. I may decide I love it immediately, but before I can safely say that I don’t like a song, I have to at least have listened to it once or twice with a completely open mind.

So this is exactly what happened with this song. At first I really didn’t like it. I thought the music was fine, but the singing was a very different style than what I was used to, and I didn’t like it. It was almost whiny. But I set that thought aside and listened to it attentively all the way through.

And whaddaya know! It really grew on me after I heard the fun bridge on the first listen.

Side note. If a song is fun to sing, I’m more inclined to like it. Not like an earworm though, I mean a cleverly written, beautiful, perhaps slightly challenging melody.

Then after the second listen, I found that the lyrics were a little confusing but intriguing and somewhat resonated with me, and that made me like the song even more.

Another side note. It strikes me that the same deeply ingrained experiences and values in me that lead me to be demisexual also apply here. As in, once I knew there was some substance to the song, I suddenly liked it a whole lot more. Just like when I don’t find someone sexually attractive until I feel a connection to them. Once that connection forms, though, I’m not only attracted, I find the person beautiful beyond measure because it goes so much deeper than the facade for me.

In the same vein, the sound, rhythm, melody of a song is great, but I don’t connect with it unless I find meaning, poetry, beauty in the lyrics. Or tie emotion to the music if it’s an instrumental piece.

Anyway, I thought that was interesting.

Now, this is quite literally the only one of all the songs on that playlist that I remember and still like to listen to.

And which song was it? I’m sure you’re dying to know.

It is called Hungover in a City of Dust by a group called Autoheart.

I know, the title still doesn’t make sense to me. But I really like this song. And in fact, it took me down the Autoheart rabbit hole, and as it turns out, I really like their music.

I will tell you, it is sappy, it’s a little whiny, and it reminds me of a teenage movie soundtrack. But more interesting and relatable, and the music behind the words is of a higher quality than a teen movie soundtrack.

Are they my favorite band? No. But when I don’t want an audial attack on my ear drums and when I’d like to hear actual instruments over electronic tones, I will remember Autoheart, and I will listen to it.

I even found a feature on Spotify where it will take you to a “radio” of sorts based on an artist. So there is an Autoheart radio that I may be inclined to check out here shortly.

I’d intended to use this post to discuss my thoughts and feelings specifically around Hungover in a City of Dust and Autoheart’s other songs I listened to. But I went off on an entirely tangential topic, which was good. I enjoy exploring the deeper “why” and the mechanisms of how my brain is behaving in the background.

Having said that, adding my thoughts on a dozen-ish songs right now would make this post entirely too long, if it isn’t already. So as I did with my post on A7X ‘s album, Life is But a Dream, I will make a supplemental post to accompany this one and link it once it’s up.

Deep breath because that was actually a lot to delve into.

Music.

You wouldn’t think it’s this big of a deal. It’s just music. But it is for me. I’ll figure this out someday. But right now in this moment, what I’ve learned regarding my preferences is this:

Alternative Indie = Meh

Autoheart = Yes

Good to know, me. Good to know.

**READ ME (please)**
Two things!

One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)

Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.

Talk soon!
– Lynda –