Happy One Year Divorce-aversary

Aaaaaaaaaaaand just like that, it’s been a whole entire year.

My status officially changed to “divorced” just about a year ago.

One year since the judge signed off on that document which undid the one we’d signed just 3 and a half years before. We didn’t even make it 3 full years before we separated.

lol

To be fair, our wedding was several months before we got legally married, and we made it 3 and one quarter years from that date before separating.

Woohoo, go us!

When I reflect on the marriage, separation, divorce, the relationship from start to finish, I can’t help but feel like it all happened so fast. It was only 6 years from the time we met to the time our divorce was finalized. 6 years.

I realize that I haven’t gone into the history between Dmitry and me, so this may not all make complete sense, but I want you to get a general idea of the absolute roller coaster we went on.

**Trigger warning, friends. I don’t go into detail, but I mention multiple forms of abuse and assault in this post.**

Fall 2016

• We moved in together within 2 months of meeting.
• Dmitry, Matt, and I struggled as a young blended family.
• The next 5 years of mental and emotional abuse with physical attacks sprinkled in begins.

2017

• Dmitry develops an addiction to alcohol.
• Dmitry was tried and convicted for a family violence charge brought against him after a particularly bad attack on me. He was nearly convicted of a felony because he had a strangulation charge as part of it.

2018

• I got pregnant with Luna.
• We had a wedding ceremony just before Luna was born.

2019

• We got legally married a few months after she was born.
• I left Dmitry for about 6 months out of the first year of Luna’s life.

Fall 2021

• After staying and working on our marriage for about a year and a half, I asked Dmitry for a separation.

2022

• Dmitry accused me of cheating on him with coworkers for the last time. I left with Luna that day, and I have never looked back.
• I filed for divorce later in the year, and it was finalized in Fall of 2022.

I wasn’t really sure where to put this, but Dmitry lost 6 jobs during that time. Needless to say, he was never stable in any capacity.

It’s scary how quickly I fell completely under his spell though. I mean, within a couple weeks, despite recognizing huge red flags, I still wanted him to move in with me. The abuse started almost immediately, and instead of getting out, I fed into it. I played the game, I got sucked in.

It happened so very fast, it’s just insane.

But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the last year without him. A year without the constant abuse and painful emotions that come with it.

A year of freedom.

Yes, I was more free from him when we were separated, but we were still married. He was still my husband. There was so much baggage that came with that, so much I hated about still being his wife. He would still send me horrible messages, sometimes sending me 70 to 150 messages in a single night while I slept.

He knew exactly what to say to get in my head, make me feel awful.

And I was still learning how to separate myself emotionally from him, not just physically. It took so much effort to keep him out of my head. After years of being mentally tortured daily, interrogated, and being told who I am is an unimaginable version of who I actually am, his words had a huge effect on me. Despite my best efforts, he still had his claws lodged deep in my heart.

And in case you’re wondering what I meant about the unimaginable version of who I am, Dmitry was convinced that I was a drug-addicted, demon-possessed escort. That is not an exaggeration, that is what he literally believed. And still believes, as far as I know.

I know, it sounds insane. It’s a long story. I’ll share it someday.

In the last year, I’ve been working on myself, learning how to maintaining boundaries with him (and others), redefining what love is and isn’t to me, solidifying my relationship with myself, and really healing the wounds I never addressed before.

There are things that even happened with Julian that I never addressed, and I’ve worked on those things without Dmitry getting in the way.

And I say that because one thing that was really hard with Dmitry was that no wounds could heal when he was around. I would confide in him about painful experiences, and he would find a way to use those against me. I would not only be unable to heal from the original wound, I would have a whole new wound he’d given me regarding the same event.

For instance, one of Dmitry’s favorite things to tell me when he was angry was that I deserved to be sexually assaulted by Julian. He’d tell me that I wanted him to do that to me and that I deserved it.

I mean, that doesn’t really make sense, but also, how sick and fucked up is that?

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. But I’ve healed from so many of my old wounds, new wounds, ancient wounds in the last year. From childhood wounds that I didn’t even realize I had to address to the pain of losing Dmitry as my husband and all the hopes and dreams I had in our future.

Grieving a marriage, especially one as complicated as ours, is really difficult. I felt so many conflicting emotions, and it was so hard to reconcile them all.

On the one hand, I was relieved to not have to deal with the daily onslaught of questions as he doubted my every word, interrogated me about every move I made, and generally made me want to talk to him as little as possible.

I was also glad to have some relief from being the only person who took care of the kids and the house. It’s sad to say, but most women experience this with their husbands. Their husbands’ jobs are more important, more exhausting, and more valuable than theirs. Therefore, they are unable to lift a finger at home. They don’t spend time with their children, they don’t cook, they don’t tidy or organize, they don’t go grocery shopping, the list goes on.

They cut the grass once every other month. Otherwise, they hole up with their hobbies and completely shut out their families.

In Dmitry’s case, his obsession was olive trees. And sitting on the toilet for hours while he used chewing tobacco.

And sleeping. My gods, that man can sleep. And sleep and sleep.

One time he slept for almost 3 days in a row. He just ignored everything and slept. I couldn’t get him up, the kids couldn’t get him up, and I doubt a fire or a tornado could have gotten him up. He just did not care about anyone or anything but his sleep.

Which sadly, did not change after the divorce, which put Luna in danger. But I’ll get to that in a bit.

So yeah, on the one hand, I was relieved to be away from all of that. But on the other hand, I felt the emptiness of where he should have been starkly.

He was my husband. He was awful in reality, but I had hopes and dreams of the man he could be, the man I saw in him, the man I knew he would be once he healed his wounds and got his act together.

And he didn’t treat me poorly 100% of the time either. There were good times, happy times. There were things I missed about him.

There was the guilt of having torn the family apart, the pain of knowing that I would likely not have a relationship with Matt because of my decision to leave his dad. There was a melancholy longing for the life I thought I was building with Dmitry, the promise of a beautiful future for our family.

The last year has been hard. All of these different emotions around the relationship, around the divorce, around myself, they’ve been difficult to navigate and process. But I’ve been working on it a lot, not being afraid to face these big emotions head on and work through each an every one of them as they come up.

It’s a process. Anyone who’s done this has a long story to tell, I guarantee it.

And I haven’t done it alone. I’ve had so much support from my close friends, my family, my therapist, even acquaintances and complete strangers. It’s so interesting how we can draw strength from so many different sources, even those with which we seemingly have no connection.

My personal healing this last year has been fraught with obstacles, thorns in my feet, and painful breakthroughs. Growing pains are real and necessary.

And as if that wasn’t enough, like I mentioned, Dmitry was still prioritizing his sleep above all else. He would neglect Luna when she went to him for visits, to the point that when she would come home, she would tell me about how he would get angry with her for waking him to ask for a glass of water or just to go put the TV on in the living room.

Not only that, but he attacked his girlfriend in front of Luna one night last Fall. Then he would go on to attack me in April of this year while I had Luna in my arms.

Needless to say, I decided I’d given him enough chances, once again, and I took him back to court for custody of Luna.

Protecting Luna from him has become a necessity which I had hoped would never be a reality. I feel foolish for believing that he would be any different for her, but I hoped with the reduced level of responsibility, he would step up.

Sadly, no. He either isn’t ready, willing, or capable at this time.

Hence, the custody case we’ve been in since Spring of this year. I think I’ve mentioned it before.

So.

One year of being a divorced woman later.

I can say that I am very much happier, more confident, and comfortable in my own skin.

I can also say that I’m still a little sad, a fair amount jaded and cynical, and afraid of Dmitry and what he might be able to do to Luna, Matt, and me. It absolutely kills me that I can’t do anything to help Matt, but I have to trust that his mom and step dad are protecting him.

I’m not one of those people who throws a big party to celebrate their divorce. But it’s a big deal to me because I was freed from being Dmitry’s wife.

So happy one year divorce-aversary to me. May I find many more happy days ahead and continue to protect my daughter and myself from the nightmare that is Dmitry.

**READ ME (please)**
Two things!

One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)

Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.

Talk soon!
– Lynda –