Corrupt systems are always scary, but when it comes to a system that you think you should be able to trust, it’s so much scarier.
And who do you have to trust more than the people who take care of your kids 5 days a week?
That’s right, I’m talking about school.
Luna started school at the Baron von Poop Early Childhood Development Center back in August. At first, it seemed like a really good thing. Yes, on her first day, she told me about a girl who was mean to her, but it seemed like normal conflict among children (she didn’t want to share a bike with Luna). Plus, it was addressed and resolved by the teacher, and there was no reason to worry.
Yet.
On her second day, Luna told me that she didn’t get a popsicle because she wasn’t listening. She said she’d been told to go to the bathroom but hadn’t heard the instruction the first time and the teacher needed to tell her twice. This seemed like a simple matter, so I was confused as to why she had been punished over something so small, especially on her second day.
I addressed it with the school, and the response I got was concerning.
Apparently, when it was time to line up to return to the classroom after a bathroom break, Luna and a friend were running around rather than lining up. The teacher told me that after she repeated the request to line up, both girls got in line. Yet when they returned to the classroom, she went out of her way to remind the class that if they don’t listen, they won’t receive their special snacks in the afternoon.
Now, the reality is that the reason why Luna didn’t get a popsicle is because I picked her up before they served the snack. But because of the teacher’s announcement, she blamed herself for not getting a snack, thinking she had been punished for not listening at the bathroom lineup.
My response to the teacher was to say that this was not only overkill, it was passive aggressive, which doesn’t fly with me. Not only had she acknowledged that as it was Luna’s second day, she was still adjusting to and learning the school rules, she went so far as to say that she and other staff members were learning Luna’s personality and how to interact with her.
Furthermore, by her own admission, Luna corrected the behavior when it was addressed the first time, and there was no need to address it again. Yet she chose to make a class-wide announcement that if the students did not listen, the way she and her friend had not listened a few minutes before, then the whole class would lose privileges to special snacks.
Not only was it unnecessary to address it a second time, it alienated Luna and her friend.
Furthermore, as I mentioned, Luna blamed herself for not getting a snack when she would have gotten one. So from a situation that needed only a simple redirection, Luna was turning it over and over in her mind, thinking she had done something so bad that she caused herself to be punished.
When I pointed this out to the teacher, can you guess how she responded?
She didn’t. Not directly.
Once again, she chose to be passive aggressive.
I received a photo of Luna eating a popsicle within 30 minutes.
*face palm*
She entirely missed the point and chose to treat me with the same passive aggressive attitude that she had treated Luna.
I was unimpressed but chalked it up to the fact that she is a younger teacher and was subbing because Luna’s actual teacher was out that week.
Over the next 8 weeks, I heard about the mean girl a few times each week. Nothing major, but I didn’t like that there was someone a student who was consistently unkind. I also heard about instances when Luna would ask to go to the bathroom, and while her teacher would give her permission, another would stop her and yell at her to return to class, making her cry.
Another incident occurred where a student pooped on the playground, and Luna got some on her leg, and no one thought they should tell me. Now, Luna played a part in this, as her teacher asked her not to go near the area where the child had pooped, but she didn’t listen. I had a discussion with her about listening when her teacher asks her not to do something because it’s for her own safety.
However, I did not appreciate that they didn’t feel the need to tell me that Luna had gotten another student’s excrement on her leg. That’s something I want to know so that as soon as she gets home, she can bathe.
I mean is that unreasonable? Am I wrong?
My concerns continued to mount, but I also chalked up some of my concerns to being a first-time parent with a daughter who had stayed home up until that point. I knew it would be an adjustment and didn’t want to be a helicopter parent.
As much as I tried to assuage my concerns with this kind of logic and help support Luna as she adjusted to life as a preschooler, her behavior at home made me even more concerned.
From the beginning, Luna would tell me that she would cry for me at nap time, that she missed me so much. I tried my best to help her adjust, reminding her that I would come pick her up soon after nap time and getting her a special doll that she could have with her at nap time. I figured she needed time to adjust to her new environment.
After all, when I started first grade, we’d had a big move, and I felt very unstable. I was in a new city with a new school around people I didn’t know. It was a total culture shock and lots of adjustments, and I missed my mother terribly. I cried all day on my first and second days of first grade. So I knew what it was like to have to adjust and miss Mama. It took me a week to settle into my new school.
I figured since it was her first time away from me ever, she’d need just a little more time than that to get settled into her new school.
But instead of things getting better over time, they got worse. After about a month of being in school, she started to tell me that she hated school. She would cry every morning, telling me how much she hated school and didn’t want to go. She negotiated with me, asking me to pick her up after lunch and before nap time.
I was really worried at this point and consulted her counselor. With her counselor’s help, we implemented some new techniques to help Luna adjust. We got a big calendar that shows which days are school days, home days, when she goes to counseling, when I go to kenpo, and when there are special events coming up. We also got her a doll that looks like me so that she can snuggle with it at nap time.
It helped a little so that Luna knew what to expect, but she still struggled. She told me she hated school more and more, and she fought me on going to school every single day.
I didn’t know what else to do, and I felt like I was failing her.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I get a message from the school telling me that Luna had been hit by one of the boys at the school. I immediately went to pick her up, upset that once again, the school seemed to be dropping the ball.
I didn’t know this at the time, but the boy’s mother answered the door for me when I got there. Did she say anything to me about the fact that her son had just struck my daughter?
No.
And guess who she is?
The center’s Assistant Director.
YUP!
Well one of the young teachers at Luna’s school told me that the boy was hitting everyone on the playground and that he had been put in time out after he was given two warnings.
I was concerned, but I didn’t think it was too big of an issue. Kids can have off days, and it seemed like they had it under control. I was upset about the way that the boy’s mother thought it was fine for her to simply pretend like nothing happened. How apathetic and inconsiderate does someone have to be in order to look another parent in the eye and not say anything about how their child hit the other parent’s child?
Hey I am so sorry, my son is the one who hit your daughter. He gets over excited sometimes, and he hits. We have addressed it, and we’re working on it so he doesn’t continue this behavior.
Is that so hard? To just be honest and apologize on behalf of their child?
Apparently for the Assistant Director, it was too much.
I told Luna’s best friend’s mom that I lost respect for the Assistant Director over this and that if it weren’t for her best friend also going to the school, I’d pull Luna out of the program and send her to another one. I mean if she isn’t willing to take responsibility for her son, then what could I expect from the school?
Well, let me tell you.
The following Monday, the Assistant Director decided to then tell me that it was her son who hit Luna and she’s sorry and blah blah blah blah blah.
In the moment, I accepted her statement and said thank you for telling me.
But in my head, I was like, Save it, lady. I knew it was insincere. It was likely that she only said anything because Luna’s best friend’s mom probably said something to Luna’s teacher about it, and it probably made its way back to the Assistant Director.
It’s a tiny private school, so there’s a real small town mindset there.
So then, can you guess what happened next?
Well. Then one day, when I went to pick up Luna, the teacher who answered the door told me that she had another incident on the playground. She said that Luna had thrown mulch at one boy and then that she had hit the boy who had hit her a week earlier.
According to this teacher, Luna hit the boy and yelled in his face, and the boy apparently hit her back as a result.
I took the feedback seriously and thanked her for letting me know so that I could address it with Luna. I was really concerned because Luna doesn’t hit, and this was very uncharacteristic of her.
When I did talk to her, she had a completely different version of events.
First of all, she was shocked to hear that they’d said that she’d hit Fabian. She insisted that she hadn’t hit him at all. What she told me is that he’d taken a small pail and swung it at her, nearly hitting her in the face. Because of this, she became angry and yelled at him that he’d nearly hit her face with the pail and told him to stop. At this point, he became angry because she shouted at him and hit her.
Well this made more sense given the past aggression of the boy and Luna’s lack of aggression in every other interaction she has.
I messaged the school after this conversation saying that if the boy hits Luna one more time, I would withdraw her from the school. I told them to keep the boy away from Luna and expressed that it’s shameful that they tolerate the aggression of the boy at the expense of other children because he is the the assistant director’s son, while trying to paint Luna as the aggressor in the situation.
The response from the director was that she should pull the security camera footage to review and that we should have a conference. I agreed and scheduled it as soon as possible.
I get to the conference, and surprise, surprise, the Director, Assistant Director, and Luna’s teacher are all there. I immediately knew where it was going.
The director told me a completely different story than the one I had been told by the original teacher and by Luna.
According to her, the footage showed Luna approach the boy aggressively while he minded his own business. She said that Luna yelled in the boy’s face and tried to hit him while he withdrew and attempted to get away from her. At this point, Luna follows him aggressively and continues to try to hit him, all while the boy tries to get away from her. He apparently never engaged with her and could not have done anything differently.
As you can see, this is completely different from the original account told to me by the young teacher. Furthermore, she wouldn’t allow me to see the video footage; despite the fact that the parents of the two parties in question were present, there was a privacy issue disallowing me from viewing the footage.
Mmhmm…
The Director went on to say, “We lost your trust somewhere along the way, and you are no longer comfortable with entrusting Luna in our care.” And so at that point, she told me that because of this, they were going to let me out of the contract.
Riiiiight.
She also went on to say that Luna was having other issues in the classroom where she wasn’t adjusting socially the way they would expect. She made it out to be a problem that would suggest that Luna’s behavior on the playground was an escalation of these issues. However, when I asked why this wasn’t addressed with me sooner so we could correct the behavior, Luna’s teacher told me that it’s all developmentally appropriate and she felt no need to bring it up.
Because it’s normal.
Sooooooooo if it’s normal, then how was it a problem that led to an escalation?
The truth of the matter is that the boy was aggressive and struck Luna, but they are too embarrassed to admit that they tried to cover it up. They don’t want to admit that when I called them out on them trying to paint Luna as an aggressor, I was right. Otherwise, they would have shown me the video footage and proven to me I was wrong so that I could address the issue with Luna.
If they could have, they would have.
But they couldn’t because they have to cover for the Assistant Director.
It wasn’t worth further conversation, and I had the entire conversation recorded, so I was covered if she tried to come back and not let me out of the contract after all. So I said thank you and left the conference.
Thankfully, after the second incident, I was already looking into other school programs for Luna. I’d found one just a little further away, Demon Moon, that had a similar program with a better system set up. For one thing, at Demon Moon, the bathroom is connected to the classroom, and Luna is permitted to go to the bathroom whenever she needs to without the anxiety of potentially being yelled at.
Another thing that I really like is that I’m allowed to send lunch with Luna. At Baron von Poop’s Early Childhood Development Center, I wasn’t allowed to send anything, and the lunches they served consisted of bologna sandwiches, weenies, and other such unhealthy ingredients.
So after the conference (it was last Friday), I called the director at Demon Moon, and she immediately pointed me to the necessary paperwork to get Luna in this past Monday. It was quick, painless, and she showed so much care and empathy to me and Luna, I just knew it was the perfect place.
And let me tell you, I haven’t been disappointed. On Luna’s first day, she told me that she only missed me a little bit at nap time. She ate all of her lunch, and she didn’t tell me that anyone had been mean to her. After she came home, she told me,
I miss school.
Oh my gods. That alone was enough to shock the socks off of me. Luna? Miss school?!
It was a miracle.
And every single day this week, she’s told me the same thing. She says she misses school and her teacher. She gives her teacher a hug good morning when we arrive and a hug good bye when we leave. She never gave any hugs at Baron von Poop’s!
She tells me that she has fun with all of her classmates, and she never says anything about having any issues with anyone. She enjoys all the activities that they do, and she still says she misses me at nap time, but a little bit. Her teacher tells me that she does great at nap time and doesn’t cry or fidget or anything.
All this time, I thought Luna was just adjusting and that’s why she missed me so much. And it turns out, the people at her school were unkind to her, and that made her want to come home. It made her want safety, it made her want me.
Oh and as it turns out, the little girl who was mean to Luna on her first day and continually thereafter is the daughter of Baron von Poop’s business manager.
Yeah.
Can’t say I’m surprised, but also, that’s just so sad. The adults running the school are unkind, apathetic, and lack integrity. Which is made even more apparent in the way their children behave.
As I told the Director at Baron von Poop’s, it’s shameful. And even more than that, it’s sad. If they acted this way to Luna, I can only imagine how they treat the other children there.
All I can say is that I have Luna’s back, and I always will, every single time. She can’t advocate for herself in a lot of situations, not yet. And by paying attention to and validating her behavior, her words, and her emotions, she and I were able to get her to a place where she is happy and will undoubtedly thrive.
I can’t stress enough how much of an improvement Demon Moon is over Baron von Poop’s. She is actually happy and excited to go to school. She loves her classmates, teacher, all the activities, and she misses them when she isn’t there.
This is what school should be, especially at this age. Thank the gods for Demon Moon, and thank the gods that we got away from Baron von Poop’s.
For any parents who are struggling with children who hate school or who struggle with school, sometime kids don’t know how to express everything they’re feeling. They may not even know what the issue is, especially if they don’t know what the experience should be like. Get creative with finding a solution, and don’t be afraid to call out the school or the teachers on the BS that they’re putting your kids through.
It breaks my heart that Luna was being treated unkindly for almost 2 months, and it breaks my heart even more thinking that if we hadn’t corrected the issue, she would still be there, suffering. I know she isn’t the only one being mistreated by teachers, and so I encourage anyone who reads this to advocate on behalf of their children and make sure they find a place that is the right fit for them.
I just want all the children to be safe and happy at school ♥
Alright, I’ll get off my soap box now.
Huzzah for Demon Moon! 😄
**READ ME (please)**
Two things!
One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)
Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.
Talk soon!
– Lynda –
Living Between 