Am I Ready?

I’ve been pondering this question lately: Am I ready?

Ready for what, you ask?

To get back out there.

To date.

I’ve been pondering this for a little over a month now, ever since my post about kenpo and how I was tying my dating life to my belt promotion. How I was going to wait until I got a purple belt, but that seemed to be happening sooner rather than later, so I was going to push it back to blue or green belt. And then I was thinking about how my instructor promoted me to orange when I didn’t even think I was ready, and I compare that to how the Universe might also see that I am ready, even when I don’t think I am.

Well get this.

The very next day after I posted that, I was out and about with Luna. We were having a Mama and Luna day where we went out and did a bunch of stuff just the two of us. Well our first activity didn’t take as long as expected, so we had some time before the movie we were planning to go to started.

So we decided to stop for lunch, and I wanted to try out a local restaurant that served quinoa bowls. When we arrived, the parking lot was so full that I couldn’t find a place to park. I almost gave up and went home when suddenly a spot opened up, and I took it.

Well

On our way out of the restaurant, guess what I see on the boulevard?

It’s a sign that says, “Single?” with a website listed underneath it.

A LITERAL SIGN!

So I was like, OK hint taken, Universe.

I went to the website, and discovered High Quality Modern Singles Mingling and Jingling, HQMSMJ for short. It’s basically a subscription service where you have access to exclusive singles events and matchmaking services.

But I wasn’t sure yet. So I looked up an online quiz because that’s what you do when you have no idea. You turn to hokey online quizzes that usually tell you nothing.

So I found one that I thought looked OK: 15 Questions to Help You Decide You’re Ready to Date Again. It’s mainly an article on Psychology Today with a questionnaire towards the end. The questions are meant to be answered using the following scale:

1 = Rarely
2 = Some of the time
3 = Pretty often
4 = A lot of the time
5 = Most of the time

Here are the questions and my answers:

QUESTION	SCORE
I think about the next person I’m going to fall in love with.	2
I think that I will eventually find the person I want.	5
I believe that I was a worthwhile partner.	5
I trust that the future holds some great new relationship adventures.	5
People get over the pain from their lost relationships.	4
I believe that losing that important relationship has made me a stronger person.	5
My friends tell me that I’m healed from my loss.	4
I think of the good things I did in the relationship.	5
I believe that my partner did truly care for me.	4
I still trust that people are basically good. ­­­	4
I treasure the positives in intimate relationships.	5
I believe that I’ve learned what I need to know to try dating again.	5
I feel renewed confidence in knowing what to do differently the next time around.	5
I trust that most people “ghost” other people because they don’t want to hurt them.	2
Things work out the way they’re supposed to.	5
TOTAL	65

And according to Psychology Today, my score of 65 means that it is definitely time for me to get back out there.

What the heck even is that second to last question though? Most people ghost because they’re either uncommunicative cowards or they’re indifferent

Now, while I’m sure there is some merit to the Psychology Today quiz, I’m not entirely sure that this quiz really reflects all the salient points that are necessary to consider when deciding to start dating again or not.

For one, while many of these questions are geared towards mindset, which will strengthen and mature as you heal. But at least for me, there is a deeper side to the healing process that is incredibly important to this. My healing progress is so important because I have a lot of trauma that affects my ability to connect with people.

I am so guarded at times that I put my walls up and push people away at the worst times. It takes me a long time to let people in and to share personal stories. I have a tendency to deflect personal questions about my past.

And part of this can be attributed to the mountain of trust issues I carry around. I’ve thrown caution to the wind before. I’ve spent a long time cultivating trust before. In both scenarios, my trust is broken and betrayed. So you’ll understand when I say that it takes me a long time to give any amount of my trust now.

In other words, I’m extremely cautious. How is that going to work with trying to find someone to date?

I think it will make it more difficult. It makes me think I’m not ready yet.

But then again, even if I learn to have some more trust with the people who are already in my life, that is only going to be because I have an established relationship with them. It’s probably fair to assume that no matter who I meet or when, I am going to take a long time to trust them. Especially because I have to make sure that Luna is protected and safe too.

So I don’t know if that’s ever not going to be an issue.

But anyway, it’s something to consider.

Another thing to think about is whether or not I will be able to dedicate enough time to get to know someone. Between work, raising Luna alone, the time I dedicate to my family and friends, my study of kenpo, and the very little free time I have to myself, when am I going to have the time to spend with someone or multiple someones to get to know them and see if I like them?

I have literally no idea.

So there’s that.

And then there’s Luna. She says she is OK with me dating, but there is a lot going on for her right now. So many changes to adjust to (there’s a big one with her dad that I haven’t shared yet, but it was a shock for her), and introducing yet another change would be even more pressure and difficult for her to adjust to.

I’m not suggesting that I would allow anyone to meet her anytime soon. Absolutely not. But I mean spending more tie away from her could be destabilizing for her. I am her rock. I’m the only constant in her life. Everything else has been in flux, changing, moving, switching. I’m afraid that if I spend any extra time away from her, it will be very difficult for her.

I think there is a balance out there that exists. But I just don’t know if now is the right time to date because of how much has been unstable for her in the last 2 years. Maybe when things are stable for longer for her. Well for both of us.

Maybe that’s not the right way to look at it. We are more stable now than ever and maybe I will wait forever if I wait for us to be more stable.

I don’t know.

But another thing to think about is my perspective on love. I shared this in my 1 year divorce-aversary post. It’s pretty unorthodox though. I don’t think people are really meant to be lifelong partners. We change so much, and I believe that we are cyclic beings. Different chapters, different people. That’s why I think people have mid-life crises so commonly.

I also think that it’s unhealthy to hold onto someone for so long, especially if they want to move on.

Anyway, I don’t know if I’m ever going to find someone who has a similar view or who at least can understand and accept that this is my point of view.

Finally, my history is messy, dark, and a little grey. Meaning I walk grey areas, and I’m a little unconventional. They say there is someone for everyone. But do I really think there’s someone out there who will accept who I am, the road I’ve walked, and the decisions I’ve made?

I mean I’ve only been divorced for a year, though I’ve been separated for two. Is that long enough? And besides that, I was in a situationship for about 8 months. And then I had one foot in, one foot out for 5 months after it “ended.”

Side note, I heard the term “situationship” recently, and I thought it was clever.

So yes, during my separation, I found myself in a pseudo relationship. I fell in love, and he fell in love with me. But the situation was sticky and messy and it wasn’t a real relationship. (I’ll do a full tell all on this pseudo relationship in January.)

And in some ways, I want what I had with him with someone else. I know I am capable of love. I want someone who will dedicate their time to me and focus on a relationship with me.

And in other ways, I feel completely NOT ready for that AT ALL.

Having said alllllllllll of that (is anything ever straightforward with me? Of course not), I do want to get out a little. I never get out, EVER. I want to meet some new people, have some new experiences, and learn more about myself along the way. No pressure, no agenda, no expectations.

To that end, I decided to move forward with HQMSMJ. Now I don’t intend to dedicate much time to this. My biggest concerns are not destabilizing Luna as well as my time constraints, so I will just do a little bit with this service. Maybe I’ll do something once or twice a month.

I want this to be an open minded learning experience, nothing more. I’m not ready for anything more than that, despite Psychology Today’s evaluation of my readiness. I don’t need anything serious, and I don’t need to look for someone to settle down with.

Just a little bit of fun, new experiences, and meeting new people. I’ll get some good stories out of this at the very least.

So I’m nervous about this new leg of the adventure. But I’m hopeful that it will be a mostly positive experience.

We shall see!

**READ ME (please)**
Two things!

One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)

Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.

Talk soon!
– Lynda –