OK kitty cats, buckle up because this is a doozy. This post is a heavy one, and it is very raw. It’s a topic that is difficult, confusing, and coming from a deeply personal place. I know that many will lose respect for me, that others who have a similar mindset as I do will be challenged to continue to accept me as I am.
All of that is OK. I am not here to be liked. I am here to speak my truth.
I participated in an affair with a married man.
If that is triggering to you, then read no further because there will be more triggering content within this post. I’ve been cheated on too, and I know how triggering it can be to hear or read about any other affairs.
I know that will baffle some of you, wondering how I could have chosen to do this when I’ve been there too. If you’re curious, I will explain it all. Perhaps not to everyone’s satisfaction or so that everyone will understand. But those who do understand a mindset of non-judgment and grace in the knowledge that we are all human will understand. And perhaps others who are starting down the path of non-judgment will be challenged to remember that the imperfection of who each of us is inevitable.
But if you judge me, that’s OK too. I get it. I really do.
Sometimes I judge me too.
I wasn’t sure how to write this one because there is so much ground to cover, so I decided to format this as more of a discussion, where I answer questions about what happened. This way, you get the full story broken up into digestible bits.
I based the discussion around a poem by Kalil Gibran entitled Do Not Love Half Lovers since I was inspired to write this post after reading it for the first time a few weeks ago.
Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life
and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn’t live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life not half a life
Fitting, no?
OK, here we go.
Who was the affair with, and how did you meet him?
I first met Orion at work on my very first day at Early Endings in May of that year. My first impression was that his name was interesting, that I hadn’t ever met anyone with that name before. When I was first introduced to him, his back was to me because he was helping someone towards the back of the room. When the person giving me the tour and introducing me said his name, Orion turned around and waved at me. He seemed friendly, and I remembered him because of his unusual name and his appearance. He was a large man, and he had a stark, black hair and a medium-length, full beard. He has a look that isn’t easily forgotten, though I did not initially find him attractive. I wasn’t looking for anything, and even if I had been, I need to have a connection with someone to form an attraction.
Did you hit it off right away? If not, how did your relationship develop?
Initially, we were simply coworkers. I was new, and he had been there for 8 years, so he helped me with learning some of the processes, getting me set up with access to certain areas of the building, and connecting me with people who could help me when he couldn’t. I worked for his boss’s boss, which meant we worked closely together. We ended up spending a lot of time together in formal meetings, discussing the contents of the meetings afterwards, and simply chatting during break times.
During the first few months of knowing each other, our interactions were completely work-related or the kind of polite small talk you make with an acquaintance. I was still very unhappily married at the time, and I was wary of anyone at work becoming too close to me. I didn’t trust anyone, and I didn’t want any gossip to make its way around the office about my personal life.
Despite my mistrust of everyone in general, our friendship developed. I found him to be very grounded, and in a life as chaotic as mine, his presence was a calming one. As months went by and I made the decision to leave Dmitry once and for all, I began to gravitate towards Orion.
Our interactions became more relaxed, and we became closer. There were inside jokes galore, and I started wanting to trust him and have him as a friend, rather than simply an acquaintance. My heart was in no position to seek out romance to begin with, and I didn’t see him that way, but I was in the market for a friend, especially one who had been through a divorce before. None of my family or friends have experience in that department, so I sought support from someone who did.
By the time Thanksgiving came around, we were texting outside of work regularly, and he knew a little bit about what was going on in my personal life, which for someone as private as I am, is saying a lot.
Late January of the next year, so 9 months after we met, as the friendship grew, we began to go out to eat lunch together. It started out just once every two to three weeks. Then a couple months later, it became once a week. And by February, we were going to lunch once a week. It progressed until we were going to lunch everyday together come April, unless there was something that prevented us like our meeting schedules or PTO.
By this time, our friendship had deepened, and we knew a lot about one another’s pasts, current struggles, aspirations, and joys in life. It had blossomed into a true friendship, and it felt as though we were becoming akin to best friends. I shared what was going on with the separation from Dmitri, and he offered insight and advice when I wasn’t sure what my options were. I had initially only wanted to separate from him, to work on ourselves separately and give each other the space to heal as individuals so that we could heal our marriage.
But in the months following our separation, more things went wrong within the relationship (when he put his hands on Matt, it was the final nail in the coffin), and as I healed, I realized just how abusive Dmitri was and how toxic the relationship was, and it became apparent to me that divorce was the only recourse I would accept. I leaned heavily on my support system when I made that decision, including Orion. We became even closer because of it.
What did you find most appealing about him? What drew you closer him?
He was very grounded. That is what I noticed first. Then it was his sense of humor. It was a little perverted and pushed the edges of what I would consider funny, but the way he would poke fun at me and help me make light of serious situations was much needed relief. It was like he always knew how to make me laugh, and I really loved that about him. He would make me laugh when I didn’t even want to breathe, let alone smile or find humor in a shitty situation.
He also listened really well. There were times when we would talk about some pretty heavy topics, and he listened to it all. It was rare when he gave unsolicited advice, simply listening for the sake of understanding and to know me and what I was experiencing better. And he remembered it too. He would be able to talk to me about it, reference it in relation to other things I talked about, and make me feel like he truly heard me and genuinely cared about me and my experiences.
When did you realize you were developing feelings for him?
It was around April that I recognized that I had developed feelings for him. Prior to that point I’d had a little crush on him, but by April, I was wondering what it would be like if he ended up leaving what he described to be an unhappy relationship and we could pursue something more than friendship down the line. There was no specific moment or event, I just remember feeling gratitude for the friendship he offered, soaking in how grounded I felt when I was with him, appreciating how well we got along, and wanting to experience more of that with him.
At what point did you become aware that he was in a committed relationship? How did this impact your feelings and your friendship?
I always knew that he was in a relationship. I was married when we met, and he lived with his girlfriend, with whom he had been together for somewhere around 4 years. When we first met, we were just coworkers, so we knew each other’s statuses. This made me feel more comfortable allowing myself to feel something for someone other than my ex-husband because it seemed so outside the realm of possibility that he would ever reciprocate, I didn’t think I’d have to worry about the complications of romance anytime soon.
It served me in many ways, in fact; firstly, I was able to see that there are other people out there for whom I can develop attachment and feelings who are not Dmitri. This helped me not to fall into the same pattern of believing him when he told me that I wouldn’t be able to find anyone like him, let alone better than him, and end up going back to him.
Secondly, by allowing myself to have feelings for Orion, my heart was filled with those feelings, thereby vastly reducing the potential for developing feelings for and entering into a relationship with someone before I was ready.
And finally, since the man whom I had focused my heart’s energy on was in a relationship, as I said, I didn’t have to worry about entering into the complexities of a relationship before I was ready. I never imagined that he would ever develop feelings for me. I was actually counting on him not developing feelings for me. Especially once I started to realize that I had real feelings for him.
I think this is a good place to pause. This is already getting way too long, so I am going to pause here and make a part II. If you want to know what happens next, I’ll see yo on the next post.
**READ ME (please)**
Two things!
One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)
Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.
Talk soon!
– Lynda –
Living Between 