Living Half a Life – Part II

And we’re back! With the details of how things progressed between Orion and me. Let’s jump right back in.

Did you face any internal conflicts or moral dilemmas when you started realizing your feelings for him?

Not really. It was a comfortable place to be for me. In my mind, he had no feelings for me, and the way I felt was unreciprocated. So I was free to practice a non-attachment approach to love and allow myself to fully explore and experience my feelings without worry of the complications of a relationship. It was actually a really nice place to be. I didn’t feel guilty for having feelings for him, because it was simply the way I and I alone felt, so it was just my own little secret crush, nothing more.

How did your feelings for him evolve over time?

It really started completely platonic. I just needed a friend who had been through what I was going through, and there was no one in my life who had. After several months of friendship, I found myself with a little crush. Not that I necessarily wanted romance with him, but that I began to see him as more than a simple acquaintance. I began to see him as someone who I enjoyed spending my time with and for whom I could develop romantic feelings for.

A few months after that, I began to care about him differently. I heard the way he talked about his relationship, considered the way we were able to not only get along but communicate well, and began to wish that I could offer the support he didn’t feel he was getting in his relationship. I started having thoughts about what it might be like if we were able to have a romantic relationship, and that is when I realized that I had developed true feelings for him.

Did you ever confide in anyone about your feelings for him?

I spoke about it with Ronnie, Elyssa, Tessa, and my counselor. Since it was just a crush and I was able to acknowledge both the way I felt and the reality of the situation, it was just a silly, fun childish crush. It was fun to chit chat about it, and it was never anything serious. They encouraged me to continue to allow myself to feel emotions and found my “hiding place” for my heart an interesting and utilitarian approach. They advised me to keep myself open to other emotions for other people, to allow myself to start to open myself up to new possibilities once I was ready.

All in all, they seemed to understand that this was a transitional step for me and my emotional healing after my separation from my ex-husband. I was still giving myself enough energy to focus on the grieving process while still allowing myself to have some fun with my feelings, to feel the thrill of emotion that comes with a new crush.

Were there any significant moments or conversations that intensified your feelings for him?

None that stand out in particular. The especially deep conversations where he listened so attentively and then proved that he had listened and retained that information later down the road made me feel like heard and seen, and that has been such a rarity for me in my life. So those instances definitely made my feelings stronger.

How did he behave towards you during the period when you were developing feelings for him? Did he give any indication that he might have feelings for you as well?

For me, during the months leading up to when I learned he had feelings for me, everything seemed to be naturally progressing the way any strengthening friendship would. More inside jokes, getting to know each other better, not only in terms of past experiences, but likes, dislikes, mannerisms, habits, struggles, wins, and the like. We were just getting to know each other a lot better, and it felt like we were really close friends. Best friends.

Just before I found out, I started to think that the things he was saying were a little flirtatious, and they stood out as curiosities. But in the end, I shrugged them off as jokes. Examples:

• A few weeks before, he called me “wifey” as in work wife. He gave me a Taco Bell “Marry Me” sauce packet.
• Two weeks before, we were texting on the weekend, and he told me that he got drunk the night before. I told him he should have drunk texted me because it would have been funny. The conversation commenced thusly:
  • Him: I’d confess my love.
  • Me: For? I already know about your love of urinating and wiener lol you know I won’t judge
  • Him: Love for your horse cock
  • Me: Please. That’s not news to me.
• One week before, Tessa had gotten pink Himalayan salt heart-shaped stones for herself, Samantha, and me. When she gave them to us, I immediately licked it, knowing it would be wayyyy too salty. We all laughed at my sour face reaction. Later on, Samantha told us that Aster had licked theirs, and Tessa told us that Huxley had licked hers. So we joked that whomever licks my heart will be the one for me, the love of my life. When I told Orion about this conversation, he told me that he would “eat the whole thing” meaning he wouldn’t just lick it. He would stake claim on the whole thing by eating it.
• He would make suggestive jokes, but that really was pretty normal for him since that is how he would joke with all of his friends at the office.

How did you eventually discover that he had feelings for you too? Was it something he told you directly, or did you find out in another way?

I remember this so clearly. That day was an odd one. In the months leading up to this moment, what I call “the touch barrier” had been breached. I’d gotten a new tattoo, and he was taking a look at it when he touched my arm to turn it this way and that to see the tattoo better. About a month after that, I took a trip up to Boston, and before I went on my trip, he asked for a hug. I obliged. In the weeks after I returned from my trip, we would hug often, and if I needed help with something at my computer, he would lean over me as he would take a look, rather than having me move out of the way first. None of it made me think anything more than we were getting to be closer friends.

Over time, we got more comfortable with being in each others’ bubbles, and after a while, it started to push the boundaries beyond what would be acceptable as friends. A hand placed a little lower than the waist, the ghost of a touch somewhere that sends butterflies. On this particular day, we went to a storage closet to look for something, and when we started looking, he stood behind me and pressed against me. We didn’t go much further than a few naughty touches (butt and waist) before I pushed him away.

That evening, we discussed it. He started off by saying he liked our “hiding place” and I responded by saying we should not go there anymore, citing various reasons why, the main one of which being that it was inappropriate. He knew I was right, but became exasperated. From there, our conversation went like this:

Me: For what it’s worth, I do like our hiding spot. And I like what you were doing with me there even more. So don’t be exasperated with me, kay?
Him: I’m not. Is it bad that I want to do more? I just want to have my way with you.
Me: I would love nothing more. Except… you’re a very much taken man.
Him: I know. *Elmo shrugging gif*
Me: You’ve got your happy ending. And I’m not interested in wrecking any homes lol
Him: We should probably stop while ahead.
Me: I know you’re right.
Him: But?
Me: I’m just going to leave it at that. Because you’re right.
Him: I hate being right sometimes. I mean nothing has to change except my hand placements. Hugs are fine. I’m sorry
Me: It’s OK. I’m sorry too. I let you do more than I should have.
Him: I also allowed myself to push things forward. I don’t regret it or anything. I just don’t want to make you question your morals.
Me: I don’t regret it either. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it all.
Him: I have, too. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.
Me: And what is it that you’re feeling?
Him: Wanted?
Me: Well you definitely are. More than wanted.
Him: Thanks. I’ve been taken for granted in my eyes, and you made me feel different. So I do appreciate it.
Me: You’re welcome. And I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel that way.
Him: It’s okay 😊 I’m glad to know I can attract a hot woman in her 20s. Or maybe you’re just into old dudes lol
Me: One, you’re not old. Neither am I “into old dudes” lol and two, it’s just you I’m attracted to. Everything about you.
Him: Still my bff?
Me: Definitely.

I was in a bit of shock at this point having heard the words from him directly. I mean, clearly from what had happened earlier in the day, it was hard to write that off as a joke or an accident. So I knew. But the confession left me reeling. And then I said:

Me: I wish you were single. Not that it means you’d want anything to do with me. But if you feel taken for granted, and I make you feel differently, I wish you were single, so I could make you feel more of the way I make you feel. Just saying. Sorry.
Him: Don’t be. I feel that way too at times. *Sends link to If It Kills Me by Jason Mraz* This just came on.
Me: Wow. What a coincidence.
Him: It’s part of my mix. But the timing.
Me: Yeah, crazy timing.
Him: I’m home, finally.
Me: I’m glad. Have a good weekend. I’ll see you on Monday.
Him: You too, see ya. *Sully big hug gif*

So it was more of a dual confession than just me finding out that he had feelings for me. But that was what happened the day I found out.

What were your immediate emotions and thoughts after finding out about his feelings for you?

I was devastated. I texted Elyssa to tell her what had happened and she called me straight away. It was a Friday afternoon. I was sobbing as I told her what had happened and what the implications were. At least in my mind.

My hiding place was gone. My heart felt exposed and unsafe, and everything felt out of control. I could no longer pretend that I was perfectly safe within this limbo state of having uncomplicated feelings for someone whom I wouldn’t have to worry about the difficulties of a romance with.

Suddenly things felt very complicated.  

Furthermore, I was now faced with a situation I never wanted to be in – a man in a committed relationship wanting to have something more with me. He had made it very clear that he was OK with having relations with me outside of his relationship. So that meant it would be up to me as to whether or not we would engage in one.

Finally, my fantasy had been shattered. If there had been any hope for a relationship within my crush, that was irrevocably ruined. He had shown me that he was not the man I hoped he was. I had always known that if there were even the slightest chance that we could be together long-term, we would have to do it right or it would be doomed from the start. He would have to want to end his current relationship for the right reasons (to be a happier and more whole version of himself), grieve for and heal from that relationship, and then possibly explore something with me. If all of that didn’t happen, I knew that I wouldn’t want to be with him long term, regardless of how well we got along.

The fact that he had basically said he didn’t care that he was taken made me see that he wasn’t someone I could trust in that way.

So there I was, heart no longer cozy in its hiding place, ideation of my fantasy shattered, and left with someone whom I saw everyday, was very close with first and foremost as a friend, and a situation I didn’t know how to approach or resolve.

That whole weekend was difficult. I was grieving, in a way. Our friendship was never going to be the same again. And part of me felt that it was best if we stopped having contact altogether. I was conflicted because I was reluctant to let go of the friendship; the companionship, comfort, and support I received from him was very valuable to me, and as selfish as this is, I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t want to lose him completely.

Not yet anyway.

I hate to leave another cliff hanger, but this story is just so long.

I will come back with a part III! Stay tuned…

**READ ME (please)**
Two things!

One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)

Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.

Talk soon!
– Lynda –