Donna

I don’t know where to start with this one.

This is a delicate topic, one which I have mixed feelings about.

It’s messy, like most things are in my life. And probably yours too. Being human is messy.

I’m stalling.

Let me tell you who Donna is.

Donna is how Dmitry identifies now.

I don’t think that’s accurate though, because I’m still referring to her as Dmitry in that sentence. Let me try again.

Donna used to be Dmitry. Or was always Donna and was forced to go by Dmitry for her entire life until very recently when she came out.

I think that is more accurate.

Her whole family called me to ask if I’d known or if this was a new idea she’d gotten from her new girlfriend.

Eye roll.

The fact of the matter is, I’ve known since Luna was 6 months old. That is to say, I found out Donna was hiding inside of Dmitry. She wasn’t out at the time.

One day, when I was borrowing Dmitry’s phone to look up an address to a party we were supposed to go to, I closed the windows that were open out of habit. The last window was very surprising to me because it was some sort of feed of images of women in lingerie with penises.

I was shocked and asked Dmitry what that was all about. Without much hesitation, he confessed to me that he’d felt like something was off since he was 9 years old and that as an adult, he’d wanted to transition to a woman.

At the time, I was not very aware of what it means to be trans. I didn’t understand that it’s not the physical change that makes someone a woman, but rather who they are inside. And so my response was shameful.

I told Dmitry that I would support him transitioning to a woman as a friend, but that I didn’t want to be married to a woman. And so if that was the path he chose, then I would want to amicably divorce and support him from the sidelines.

How foolish I was.

Given that Donna was hiding inside for over 20 years, I was already married to a woman.

I just didn’t know it.

I often question myself and that decision. I wonder if I loved Dmitry unconditionally if I couldn’t accept that Donna was hiding underneath, ready to join the world in her full authenticity. I know that being abused by Dmitry, there was a lot of confusion, pain, and failure to communicate effectively. Even so, I would accept Luna, Matt, Giovanni, any of my other family members if they came out as trans to me without a second thought.

I don’t know if I’m just a different person now, 4 years later. Or if I was in that relationship for the wrong reasons the whole time, and what I thought was love wasn’t the unconditional kind.

It’s all very confusing. But I know one thing. One way or another, I messed up with this. I wasn’t a supportive partner, and I regret that.

Especially since we got divorced in the end anyway.

I wish I’d been a more supportive partner at the time.

I could have been more supportive of this.

And I should have been.

And for that, Donna, I am very sorry.

After much discussion, Dmitry decided against fully transitioning to Donna at that time. And it never came up again while we were married.

But after our divorce, Donna went on a journey of self-rediscovery, the way that we often do after a big life change like divorce. And where she landed was wanting to live more authentically, which meant coming out as Donna.

And so now, her deep South family is freaking out, and they all called to ask me about it. I told them the truth.

This is real.

She’s been feeling this since she was 9 and never told any of you.

It’s not something her new girlfriend is making her do.

It’s not some rebellion thing.

This is who she is.

They all want it to be fake, like it’ll go away after a while. They can’t accept it, and they are all so weirded out by it. Being that they’re all Christian southerners from rural parts of the deep south in the US, it’s also sinful to them, and she’s going to hell.

Truthfully, I can’t say it isn’t odd for me. To see her wearing makeup and dress the way she does. But it’s only because her style isn’t what I would consider tasteful. Unfortunately, she’s in the phase most women go through during their teenage years where they experiment with racy clothing and too much makeup, then post it all on social media.

It’s a little more cringy because she’s approaching 40, but you know what? She’s making up for lost time. What most of us do when we’re 16, she’s just now getting the chance to do after being stifled for so long. Maybe she will settle on a more elegant look later down the road, as many of us do. Or maybe this will be her style forever, who knows?

It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that she is living authentically.

Here is where it gets effed up.

Matt’s mom, Kristine, called me, wanting to talk. She wanted to know if I’d known, and I told her the truth. She is obviously not OK with it because she is a product of where she was raised and still lives. She is also represents the people in her small county as a local politician, and this is not something her constituents would look favorably upon.

Not that she said any of that, but I can read between the lines.

She learned that Luna knows of Donna’s transition and was appalled at how “selfish” Donna was being to come out to a 4 year old. That it is so confusing for children to see their dad become a woman, and that she didn’t think Matt knew, so she was going to keep it that way by keeping the truth from him and keeping Luna and me out of his life so Luna doesn’t accidentally tell him.

I think she’s in denial, because Donna said that she did tell him. But because Matt hasn’t said anything to his mom, she believes that he has no clue.

She also believes that if Matt finds out, he might “get confused and think he’s a girl too. I mean, he’s around the same age when Dmitry started to feel that way. I can’t believe he would do this to his son!”

I don’t really see the connection, but ignorance leads to illogical conclusions.

As a result, she won’t let Luna and Matt have a relationship. She won’t let them see each other or talk or even write letters.

Her fear has made her selfish and cruel.

She wouldn’t have this ability, except Donna gave up custody of Matt. (She’s also giving up custody of Luna, but more on all of that later). So now Luna and Matt won’t have a relationship because Kristine is a bigoted individual who’s too busy trying to protect her precious ideals to care about her child’s holistic well-being.

In my unprofessional opinion.

Matt lost his dad, first to the divorce with his mom, then in the gendered sense, then in a very real way when Kristine got full custody. He is going to feel confused and hurt over losing his dad, whether she tries to keep it from him or not. Losing his sister too? When he doesn’t have to? It’s cruel and unnecessary.

I know she thinks she’s doing the right thing. In her backwards thinking way.

But at a time like this, we all need to come together to support the kids, the ones who are really hurt by this whole mess.

And not hurt because of the transition. I know that confuses them (hell, it confuses me), but they don’t care about how someone looks or sounds. They care about people showing up for them, supporting them, loving them. Donna has as much capacity to love as Dmitry; that part of it doesn’t matter.

They are hurt because they lost their dad in divorces. Hurt because their dad was unstable and emotionally abusive. Hurt because their dad has now abandoned them.

Avoiding these problems doesn’t make them go away. It makes them fester and grow into huge sources of pain that are almost impossible to heal.

I have not hidden the truth from Luna, and I never will. Of course, I talk about the truth with her in an age-appropriate way. I don’t talk to her about legalities and the gritty details of my marriage.

But when she asks me why we had to leave, I tell her that Star (that’s the name she and Donna chose for Luna to call her instead of “Dad”) and I would fight a lot, and that’s not healthy. So we had to go.

And when she asks me why she isn’t going to see Star anymore, I tell her that Star has some difficult things to work out, to heal and get better. And when she asks me if Star will come back, I tell her that I hope Star gets better and can come back to be a good parent to her, but that I’m not sure.

And that is a genuine hope.

And when she asks me why she can’t see her brother, I tell her the truth. I tell her that Matt’s mom is afraid of him finding out about Star being a woman now, and so since Luna and I know, she doesn’t want Matt to be around us. I tell her that she is scared and making a hurtful decision because of it, and I hope that someday, she changes her mind.

And all of that is true.

I believe that building trust with my child goes both ways. I want her to tell me everything, so I have to be honest with her too. There will never be a time when I lie to her. If the answer is, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that right now, but when you are older, we can talk more about this,” that is more acceptable to me as the truthful way that I feel over blatantly lying. Or even telling half truths.

I don’t want Luna to find out one day that I hid the truth from her.

One day, Matt will find out that Kristine lied when she said she didn’t have my phone number, that I didn’t have hers, and that there was no way for her to get in contact with me. When the fact of the matter is that I asked to be a part of his life, to send him birthday gifts and letters and have phone calls with him so that we could maintain a relationship, but more importantly, so that he and Luna could maintain a relationship.

She took that from him, and he will find out.

I can’t imagine the level of hurt he will feel, the betrayal of his mother lying to him and keeping him from his sister when he needed her the most. And my heart breaks for him.

My heart is broken for him and Luna. They really need each other right now.

As much as I want to hate Kristina for her bigotry, I understand why she is doing this. She is afraid and acting on the information available to her in order to protect her son the best way she knows how. I just wish she could see that what she is doing will hurt her son and hurt her relationship with him too.

It’s all just so sad.

And just like I didn’t know where to start with this one, I don’t know how to end it. I don’t have any closing thoughts, not really. It’s all a big mess, and it’s all just sad.

I’m just sad.

**READ ME (please)**
Two things!

One, please note that the names of everyone in this blog have been altered to protect the people I write about. My main goal is to explore my experiences and my growth, not air anyone’s dirty laundry out. Any likeness to people you know in real life are probably coincidental. (I mean what are the chances? It’s a pretty big world!)

Two, the thoughts and opinions I express in this blog are merely a result of my personal experiences to this point in my life. If there is anything I have misrepresented, overlooked, or have a blind spot for, feel free to leave a comment or email me at contact@livingbetween.net. (Yes, this includes typos. Let me fix my typos, please!) All I ask is that you always remain respectful.

Talk soon!
– Lynda –